Disconnection is connection

To know what you don’t want means to find out what you do want. The darkness helps us appreciate and value the light. Pain in any askepct helps us see the reverse side of that exact aspect.

Not being aware of the problem is often the biggest problem, as when the realisation comes one is able to change the behaviour causing pain. However, many times we just stop there - we suffered, we saw what was causing us suffering, but we continue the same old way as it’s more familiar. Change is unknown and as species we don’t really like the unknown. Our brain is protecting us, keeping us in the safe comfort zone, even though that same zone is causing us the very pain we dislike.

They say the way to really make the decision is when the pain of staying the same is beggar than the pain of changing what’s causing that pain. In a way then we do like pain. Accustomed to our familiar pain, we prefer to stay there instead of enduring a new pain, and unknown pain even if that new often temporary would take us to the goal we so desire.

First comes the realisation, the awareness that we’re disconnected from the body we live in. We finally see what’s causing us so much suffering. With that we acknowledge the process or steps needed to change, to better, to heal the problem. Sounds early in our head and way more faster than when we do a few actions towards it. And just after that there is the moment we stop, we delay, we give up. The moment of the acknowledgement of the fact there is effort containing another type of discomfort needed to reach the goal of removing the familiar pain. Why suffer in the unknown when you already suffer with a familiarity?

I’m still investigating for myself what’s more painful not knowing what’s causing you pain or acting in contrary feeling different type of pain to reach the desired result.

It’s all in your hands.

What is actually worth it?

Is it the goal we aim for? Is it the feeling we desperately cling to? Is it the person, the object, the experience in this life? What are we supposed to focus in life that brings us meaning and fulfilment?

Just listening to a talk by Master Shi Heng Yi, where he said something and went deep: no matter what you have, gain in this life, you’ll have it for 100 years if so. He mentions focusing on gaining inner and body awareness more than blindly following the external maya.

There has always been two parts in me that I see more and more clearly as the time passes - the drive to prove myself, to gain recognition, which on its own feels draining and never enough, and the other part wanting to retreat, to learn, to better itself by practicing inner wisdom and body capabilities.

The stronger wolf is the one being fed. Physical pressures are great, but never able to give you the feeling of pure love and connection to the source.

So where do we continue from here?

Inwards before outwards

I used to be ashamed of taking my time in privacy, in solitude to regenerate my energy in order to be my best and give my best in social situations. For years I thought it just me being weird, scared or avoiding life and responsibilities. In way, yes, avoidance can appear, but if you’re like me and carefully observe yourself, ll see how necessary going inwards is.

The time you spent with yourself, with your body and your mind, despite sounding like a torture in the beginning, is the most valuable and nurturing time one can have. It’s about discovering yourself the way you are without social masks, expected behaviours or an aim to please.

When you know yourself you minimice the affect other people or situations have over you. You learn how to deal with your own fears, how to calm yourself when needed, how to figure our life when there’s no one to give you the guidance.

Investing in the time to get to know yourself better doesn’t involve playing video games or scrolling down the TikTok. Like with every other person and activity, to really master it, to get to know how it function and how to manage it, one must give it their whole presence, pay attention and listen the response of their questions.

I’ve always had two worlds - the social time with people I love and the Me time with the person that knows me best. I get so comfortable with myself that I can even forget that a a human species I do need my tribe too. This misalignment have caused me intense anxiety moments, but if I didn’t have it I would’ve known that I need both of those worlds in order to function in the pest possible way.

If you’re like me and feel guilty and strange to reply to your inner voice asking you for some solo time, don’t avoid it, take the time and enjoy the ride. You’ll come back much more authentic, inspired and loving towards others if you first learn to truly accept and love your own self.