- “I want to be skinny, Mariya.”, she silently exhaled, yet for me it was the loudest sound.
I know this line very well. I know the feeling, the desperation, the hope behind it. I know how much it hurts. I know how every time the body feels hungry, or at a social event that includes food, or lonely at home, part of you leans towards the food as a safe board while the other is sick of this behaviour, often replacing it with tears, anger, other substances like drugs, alcohol sex, or simply vomiting all so “it doesn’t stuck”.
I know how easier it is from the outside to say “just exercise more”, “just eat salads”, “don’t stress about it”. I know it all, because I’m still there.
How come instead of nurturing the food is making us fearful? Scared to gain weight, tired of not being fit enough for the well accepted standard.
In her essay “The Double Standard of Aging” Susan Sontag describes extremely well the paradox of living in a world where women are constantly objectified and forced to look, behave or be in a certain way.
“I just want to be skinny”. I’m not sure I’m able to describe how heavy this feeling actually is. I’ve been there my whole life. I’ve been fighting with food, substances, vomiting, relationships, all of it. I’ve red, asked, tried everything that I can get my hands on, and I’m still in the loop. Still not skinny enough, still on diets, still shamed of showing up.
There was a moment in time when I hit the golden skinny look. I was skin and boned, muscles were gone, bum too. My nose looked bigger, but I had the six pack. I was constantly sick, but satisfied I can get into size 4 and pose for pictures without worrying about double chin or bingo wings (soft triceps). Despite it all, in my head I was still feeling not enough, that I have to be skinnier or like this forever. I remember the moment when all of my clothes were baggy and I actually didn’t like myself. But then I took self portraits and the body looked so nice, so thin, like I’ve always wanted to be. I thought I’ve finally managed to get to the weight I’ve always wanted to, despite feeling strange how did I actually get there when I’m eating all I want and not over exercising. It was my nervous system, my emotions, I was looking the weight because I’ve lost my taste of food, of life, of happiness. The toxic relationship was eating me from the inside, while I was enjoying looking fab from the outside.
I’ve lost and gained weight from both being happy and not. The constant scale monitoring has always remained. Only when the body sick we forget about clothes sizes. I’ve done that to myself too, making myself ill so I can loose the weight.
I’m telling you, I’ve done it all. I know exactly how it feels. That was the reason I started doing self portraiture - to prove to my negative voice inside my head I can be beautiful, sexy and good looking despite its words. I’ve been practicing self portraiture for the past 18 years and I’m still in the same loop. “What am I doing wrong?”, sometimes I ask myself. “Is this ever gonna stop?”, the following thought comes in. “Please, somebody tells me what I’m supposed to do and I’ll do it!” Seems like the most complicated puzzle with the smallest pieces.
In the recent years I’ve discovered weight can be a protective layer too. Something your body holds on in order to save you from danger. What danger, if all is well?? Well, it might not be as well as you think.
Your body has a memory that your own mind might not. Your body keeps the score even if your maid has decided to put a white stop in that traumatic experience that marked your woe life, in order to keep you protected and living a normal life.
It’s deeper than we think. And it’s not the fried food, or your body type, or the lack movement, although all of these matter to certain extend. It’s the intelligence of your incredible body, your nervous system and what they’re protecting that little girl from. Is it the older man, it is the mom, or somebody else? Are you secretly scared that if you look too good you won’t be safe and protected?
“I just want to be skinny, Mariya.” Or you want to feel satisfied with and within your body? Skinny is not always the best look, even though society made us believe so. Skinny can be a sign of poverty and under eating, of sick body, of an ideal that we have to look like little girls forever.
I wish I can give you the exact medicine, words, treatment, way of living, but I can’t. I can’t even sort my own head out 36 years later… But what I can certainly say to you is you’re beautiful, magnetic and inspiring in any shape, because the energy of your soul is irreplaceable and unaffected by the physical look of this life. Secondly, you might not even like yourself being skinny, but I wish you reach the body size you feel great and comfortable and healthy in. And thirdly, look deeper, find the core of the problem. Ask questions, listen to your body - it will answer you. Its protection you because its scared, what is it scared of?