Do you believe in disorders? How do you feel about conditions and abnormal behaviour? Are you from the people who look down on anxiety and depression? Or from those that think being overweight is laziness? Would you be surprised if I tell you that I was one of those people until I saw the cracks in my own behaviour?
Some things do come with age. Like the mature viewpoint over life repeating situations, conditions and behaviours. Our youth is blinding us in thinking we know it best or that certain things won’t happen to us. And as we grow experiencing life, we begin to see the repeating patterns...
The body, as a subject and object, has always been part of my agenda consciously or not. Before I began to see the true beauty of its nude form and having the desire to photograph it, I spent awful amount of time hating, hurting, disrespecting and disagreeing with it. The body that serves me well, guides me. helps me go through good and bad, and always, always listening and replying to me in the way treated it.
As many of us, I’m my own torturer - abusing and harming this what is here to help me, take care of me and guide me through life. From slashing my own skin, through alcohol, drugs, relationships and mainly with food, I’ve harmed and to certain extend continue to harm my own miracle machine. I used my body as a canvas I use to show to the world the pain I feel inside, the emotions I struggle with, looking for remedy in all the wrong places. Instead of just simply listen to what is trying to teach me.
No one is here to help you, baby girl.
You are your own remedy and your own poison.
Is this disturbing you? Knowing that you’re the only one that can help you and you’re the only one that really harms you. Are you ready to see your life differently and take responsibility and control over it? I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way out.
I adore the human form and the capabilities of the body and yet I caught myself bingeing again. I’m out of other substances, but crave to fill the hole in my stomach. A whole that isn’t hunger, but emotions - guild, shame and fear. I did it again - tried to numb the feelings through cookies, not stopping until I felt my stomach full until the top. Can you relate? Then we feel awful. The ego trick us in abusing ourselves and then blame us for doing so. It’s never ending game.
I feel like a fraud - who am I to teach you all of this? How is my personal journey any special and able to help you? Who am I to think I have the right to guide you? - The ego never stops. It never will. Part of teaching through experience is the awareness of the personal problem and woking on the solution. Not having it solved, but consciously, with awareness working on it day after day, situation after situation.
This I’m writing to you, to me, to us, to them. I’m writing this, trying to let go of the feelings eating me inside and tell you that you’re not alone. I do believe we can turn things around, despite how lost we’re feeling right now. I do believe fine art nude photography can help you with accepting your own self and body. I do believe the body is helping us, guiding us, always ready to adjust and adapt to changes. I also understand that it might not happen overnight. Or over days. Or months. It might even takes years.
But we’re not here to serve the ego, but the Soul. I’m not here to keep harming, but the oposite - to try and help, no matter how many times I slip and fall. If I can get up, so can you, so can everyone else.
Be gentle to yourself. Sometimes this is the only way to push through. Nothing lasts forever, this storm too shall pass.
